Teresa loves to embarrass. Especially people who take an interest in me.

We went to the mall today, meeting some friends. We went to eat and there was this guy there that apparently kept looking at me. I had my back towards him, but apparently he would look over to me and sometimes smile. Then Teresa or Melissa would look at him and he would look away very quickly.

I looked over at him a few times and he had his head down the whole time. Every once and a while Teresa would blurt out, “He’s doing it again.”

I would say, “Are you sure he isn’t looking at you?”

“Oh no. He’s looking at you.”

Then she continued to say that he wanted my vagina.

It didn’t happen for a few minutes and then Teresa said, “Okay, I’m about to just tell him ‘Hey! Mountain Dew dude, just talk to her!’”

I think he heard her. Nothing happened and when we were leaving, he watched after Melissa and then looked straight ahead, and then Teresa and I started laughing because she bumped into a chair, he looked over and just watched us.

We were leaving and we saw him in the parking lot. She claims to believe he was looking for us.

So, yes. My friends love to embarrass; whether it be me or someone who takes an interest in me is the question.

Maybe I'm meant to always be left. To be alone.

Here’s some advice:

Don’t get married to him. Keep the baby, but talk to your parents. I don’t know if they’ll let you back in, but no one says you can’t at least try. Your mom might want you back, because she really does seem to care about you.

I may not like you anymore because you’re a selfish, lying bitch, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want you to make the wrong decision. You lost your parents. You lost the two best friends that you ever had; we trusted you, we believed you, we didn’t stab your back like you did to us. You really don’t deserve to be treated the way you do, just because of this 40-year-old looking guy who you say is your “man.”

Look. You’ve made up your mind. But don’t stress yourself out because of all the negativity and regret. Tell us the truth. We won’t be back as friends and we may not help you with your baby, but we’ll talk. You do know she almost lost her baby girl because of the stress you put us through. You’re going to have that on your shoulders, your family on your back, your “man” at your feet, and a baby in your stomach.

Please. Don’t do this alone. Just go back and talk to your parents. He’s going to let you down. I don’t care if you’ve been talking about a wedding and getting married. It’s all dry promises. He’s going to break your heart and you’re going to be left with a baby you can’t support and out on your own.

Oh, and if this is one of your high school lies just to get attention, you are much more pathetic than I thought you were.

hey! where's the baby i had in april? oh yea. i didn't have one.
i know you're reading this, oh wise one that can see the future. so here's a message: man up.

I really dislike you. I hope you rot in Hell.

Gone

Sometimes shattered
Never open
Nothing matters
When you're broken
That was me whenever I was with you
Always ending
Always over
Back and forth, up and down like a rollercoaster
I am breaking
That habit
Today

You know you did it
I'm gone
To find someone to live for
In this world
There's no light at the end of the tunnel tonight
Just a bridge that I gotta burn
You were wrong
If you think you can walk right through my door
That is just so you
Coming back when I've finally moved on
I'm already gone

There is nothing you can say
Sorry doesn't cut it, babe
Take the hit and walk away
'Cause I'm gone
Doesn't matter what you do
It's what you did that's hurting you
All I needed was the truth
Now I'm gone

I don’t know what to think.

What A Day…

My day started off really bad. My grandfather died at 3:15 AM.

I get waken up at about 7:00, saying that my mom and brother weren’t going to school/work today.

I get calls from my cousins about 8:00.

I sit and listen to my parents on the phones and having the tell the same thing over and over again.

About 10:00, they left to go meet with the funeral people.

I cleaned from 10:00-1:30. I get a break.

In the course of 2:00-8:00, I…
- Take a nap
- Have a breakdown
- Talk to Teresa
- Drive to get myself some food since I don’t like chicken
- Have my aunt come visit; twice
- Help my mother with the dishes that were from my brothers room

At around 8:30, my friend Teresa and I have a little night out. She was going through some things and needed to get her mind off of them, while I was needing to just get away. So we drove around for an hour. Going from about 10 miles out of town and back, almost running into TWO deer, and her having fun with my phone.

It made us forget… even if just for an hour and a half.

9:30 I took my brother to a school event; talked about lesbians and masturbation. Then proceeded to embarrass my brother while he leaves the van - “I’ll keep the bed nice and warm, TREY THOMAS!”

She forgot about your issues and problems, and even though mine were still lingering in my brain, I let loose and let the night take control.

Teresa and I have been through so much together. We’ve known each other for five years and we have never been this close. She’s fun, wild, and amazing.

And loves to embarrass me. ;)

3:15 AM

September 10, 2010.

Rest In Peace, Grandpa Tom.

You’re in a much better place now.

I will always love you.

I love you

I hope you’re there
When it’s time
I hope you know
Why you’re there

Tired of fighting
Tired of pain
It’s time
I’m sorry

I love you
Don’t forget
I love you
Forever

Forever A Fena

I am sick and tired of the lies
That repeat in my thoughts
The ones that you made up
The ones that burn my mind

You are a scowling liar
Who preys on ones who are willing
You are a hasty action
That plays with a persons mind

The happiness from a child
The rent for a home
The knowing glances from strangers
The past is always with us

People have not forgotten
What you have put us through
Go ahead and live your life
And forget about the people

The people that meant the most to you
The people that cared when no one else did
The people who gave you a chance
The people who now know your true colors

But it doesn’t matter now
You’ve made your choices
And are now living with them
And without us; fena.

“We've got one thing that Voldemort doesn't have. Something worth fighting for.”

I don’t want to say goodbye to you.

So please.

Don’t make me.

My Heart

My heart flutters at the sound of your voice
My heart melts at the look of your face
My lips form into a smile even though I know
My lips long for yours to bring a sweet kiss
My heart hurts because you are forever not mine
My heart aches for the feel of your touch
Nothing makes my heart better
So don’t you even dare try

If your hand is not the hand
That I have been looking for
Whose is it then?
As I am confused
I looked for you, I found you
But you have not been looking for me
You have been preoccupied
With another
I comprehend quite well what that means
But I refuse to ever think
That loving you was an idea
That was no less than reality
And although I never told
You should have caught on
Because now I cannot deal with it
Because now I have decided to move on

Just The Way…

Some day, when I'm awfully low,
When the world is cold,
I will feel a glow just thinking of you...
And the way you look tonight.
Yes you're lovely, with your smile so warm
And your cheeks so soft,
There is nothing for me but to love you,
And the way you look tonight.
With each word your tenderness grows,
Tearing my fear apart...
And that laugh that wrinkles your nose,
It touches my foolish heart.
Lovely ... Never, ever change.
Keep that breathless charm.
Won't you please arrange it ?
'Cause I love you ... Just the way you look tonight.

I'm in a Frank Sinatra mood.

Unattainable Love

Difference is the key to life
There’s nothing wrong with it
It makes you who you are

But why must you be so unique?
Because you make me smile
Even when no one else can
Because you make my heart
Flutter when I hear your voice
Because you hold the key
That opens up my mind to new things

But why must you be so brave?
Because people then will see
That your life is no different than theirs
Because you realize that when you do
It helps people in many ways
Because that’s just how you work
And how you reveal yourself

But why must you be so loving?
Because you’re a lover
And not a fighter
Because you hate
To let people down
Because you care
When no one else does

But why must you be so open?
Because you know when to open your mouth
When things go the wrong way
Because you open your mind to different things
Even when those things are wrong to the world
Because you feel like you must defend yourself
When things take a turn for the worst

But why must you be so unattainable?
Because you care for someone else
Who needs to open their eyes
Because I know it’ll never happen
Because I know you deserve better
Because I know you deserve love
Even if it’s not with me

Turning Gay and Opinions

According to my brother, since Adamo Ruggiero was “forced” to play a gay character in the show Degrassi, then that made him gay in real life.

He claims that if you do gay things long enough, you turn gay.

But then he goes around and says that two guys kissing on a show – multiples shows – that it’s called acting.

Granted, my little brother has no problem with homosexuality. But he’s also only fourteen years old. He doesn’t really get the concept of some things just yet. Like, death and when it’s time to let go.

But either way, I think it’s interesting to hear opinions that are different than mine.

You don’t choose your sexuality. You can choose to say otherwise, but you will always be your sexuality. And sometimes sexuality gets you confused, but in your heart you know who you are. You just have search for it.

Percilla

Meet Percilla. :) I don’t know if it’ll become a regular thing or not, but she’s fun to play.

Please tell me you like me.

Because I sure like you.

And I miss you, more than you know.

Life

Life is precious. Death is horrid.

Why must life end? So people aren’t in pain. So people know that things happen the way they happen. So people will have warning to make your life a better life.

My dad’s mom died eight months before I was born. She died of lung cancer. She was smoker all her life.

My dad’s sister died two years ago. She died of lung cancer. She was a smoker all her life.

My dad’s father is in the hospital, filled with infection, and possibly lung cancer. His lungs sound like they’re snoring, that’s what the nurse claims. That’s bad.

Grandpa has been in the hospital for nine days. The first five days, he was on the highest amount of oxygen they are legally allowed to give. He got better, slowly… just the tiny things. For three days, he’s been nothing but the same.

My cousin got into town today. She lives in L.A. and she’s expecting her first child. She went to go visit him today. I visited him for the second time since he’s been in the hospital today.

I can’t understand what he says. I’m not good at reading lips. I wanted to tape him, to remember him… but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I don’t want to remember him like he is right now.

Let’s just say… My cousin, uncle, and dad don’t think he’ll be alive when my cousin leaves on Thursday.

He asked for my other cousin. I think he’s waiting until he sees everyone he needs to see.

In the past two years, he’s lost his daughter, his brother, and two sisters. One sister just recently passed, worrying herself into heart attack, on Sunday. Her funeral is today.

He lived a hard life. I don’t want to wait him suffer any more. He’s in pain; emotionally if not both physically and emotionally.

My father told me some things about him and I understand now why he did the things he did and why my dad sometimes acts the way he does.

I’d rather have him not with us, than have him suffer in a hospital.

Sleep[Part 2]

Okay. The thing is, it’s three in the morning. I had a long day technically yesterday – some family stuff with down, nothing like fighting or whatnot, and I babysat for about six hours – and I had gotten to sleep really late the previous night again and I had to wake up really early.

I honestly wanted to sleep at eight. But I wanted to wait until ten, so I could see all of the Degrassi Movie thing that basically starts off The Boiling Point. So, it felt like Degrassi dragged on forever; my headache was horrible, I felt like someone was smashing my head with a hammer every time I saw the light or heard the noise.

It finally ended and I fell right to sleep.

Problem. Falling asleep at ten for me, meant I would wake up in the middle of the night. Many, many times I have tried making this a routine; going to bed at ten, [I just wake up every two hours before I finally stay awake until 3-5(or later) in the morning], I get up later than I usually do, and the process just repeats.

I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. All I know, is that I woke up at midnight, than again two, and now I can’t get back to sleep.

Sleep

Sleep is a very difficult thing to process for me.

You usually know it’s bad when you can’t even fall asleep for hours and then you try to listen to calming music, maybe watch television with the sound off, and maybe even try reading some of the most boring fanfiction you can could find online – which some ended up being really good.

But it’s even worse when you try to fall asleep, because it’s 7:30 in the morning and your father is awake upstairs. And even then, you stay up laying in bed with nothing on at all, tossing and turning, until 10:30 in the morning when you finally fall asleep, only to get woken up at noon.

Lyrics: One

And every day I try just to breathe
I want to show the whole world
The truth inside of me

- Ashley Tisdale, Suddenly

[03/18] Sicily Evelyn Zeka: My Hero

I hate this. I hate this so much. Not the fact that I can’t sleep, even though it is 3:00 in the morning. It’s the fact of why I can’t sleep. I don’t understand why children are put under cancer… Actually, why cancer even exists. My cousin. Sicily Evelyn Zeka. She’s the bravest four-year-old I have ever met in my entire life. I don’t want to get into that really. Mainly, she has cancer and it’s not looking very good. Find out more: http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/sicilyevelynzeka

When I was 13, she was official the first baby I held. Meaning new-born wise, of course. Her birthday parties were always something to remember. She was always a joy to be around. She was always energetic and joyful and all-around amazing. But why does it have to be this way? I keep asking why… Even though I know why isn’t the question. No one knows the answer to why. So… ironically, why do I always ask why?

She has touched so many life, from her family to strangers that have no idea even what her name is. This disease makes her not herself… If that makes sense. She doesn’t act the way she used to. Obviously, that is known to happen… But it’s still weird to see it on and from Sicily. She has been so strong… After everything, it’s just hard to comprehend the fact that it’s time to let go. Not right this second, but preparing yourself for the loss that will soon happen.

For some time, I was very much in denial. I’ve now spent the last three nights in my bed just… crying and praying for Sicily to be comfortable and safe. I’m not praying for a cure anymore. I’m not praying for a miracle anymore. I’m not praying for my cousin to be healthy… anymore. And that breaks my heart.

I think I prayed about twenty minutes just repeating anything and everything that I wanted to say. I want her to be safe. I want her to have a peaceful passing. I want her to have a loving surrounding. I want her to be able to go when her time is right. It kills me to even type those words, let alone say them, but they have to be said one way or another. I know that’s being so negative, but it’s the truth of the matter. Sometimes you just have to be able to realize the times when the time to be negative for your sake and the time to be realistically negative is right.

I am very grateful for my family and I honor Sicily for everything that she’s done and has been through. Just to be a cousin and a person that extremely emotional, is not a good mix when it comes to something horrible and heartbreaking like this.

Please pray for Sicily to have a loving, peaceful passing. Please pray for her family and for anyone who has come in contact with this beautiful angel that still marks this Earth. Please pray for her to be comfortable on her remaining days. I love you, Sicily Evelyn Zeka and you are forever my hero.

[12/29] Sexual Preference in Actors

There's something that really bugs me about when people speak their minds about a celebrities sexual preference. I was looking at some message boards and someone thought this actor acted gay, so they asked the public. This actor is on a TV show and he's kissed a few girls on it. There were multiple answers saying, "He's not gay! He kisses girls on the show!"

Excuse me? It's his job to act the part that he is given. The most famous examples would be Heath Ledger or Jake Gyllenhaal. They played gay characters in Brokeback Mountain, but they're not gay. Just because they PLAY a PART doesn't mean they are actually that part. That's the beauty of acting. You cannot say that Gyllenhaal is gay just because he plays a part in a movie; he's an actor. Neil Patrick Harris, an openly gay man, is straight in some of his roles. There are many other different actors that play a part that are opposite from their own sexuality.

My point is, you cannot determine a persons sexual preference on a part they play. Now, there are some exemptions and I understand that, but the point of acting is that you play a part that is not you, that might be challenging. All-in-all and most importantly, it's not even our business if they're straight or gay.